DesperateHanyouWivezZ ftthe hariboette
by the torstir
Summary: What to say? Haha definitely not your average story.. WARNING We're the lemon demons. D
1. Chapter 1

-1A/N. Hey! This is my 1st f.f, but I'm writing it with thetorstir. O for all the Kikyou lovers,this is a Kikyou bashing f.f!

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and co don't belong to me, and neither does Desperate Housewives, or The Little Mermaid for that matter.

Life on Dorragu Kouhi Lane is far from straight forward. Every family had its problems, big and small. For the Mashin family, consisting of five people, had very serious problems. The main money maker, and husband and father, was Naraku. He was as ugly as hell, and botox had made his face resemble a fish's. Kikyou was the mother, wife, homemaker, and slut of the family. She used to be beautiful, until she experimented with blonde hair dye, and now she looked like a green version of Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Their daughter, Denbu,who is 16, had the most problems. She was going through sexual confusion, and tried to jump the school's principal, who was a woman. Their son, who is 12 years old, and is going through puberty, is called Saseko. Let's just say he was a little strange.

"Saseko!" called Kikyou, with that terrible screech she used.

"Yes, mother?" he called.

Kikyou walked into the front lawn, only to find her son straddling the family dog, Freddie.

"SASEKO!WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO FREDDIE?" she screeched extra loudly.

"I'm doing what I learnt in sex ed, mother," he replied calmly.

"Well, didn't your teacher tell you to use a condom?"

Saseko mentally laughed to himself. '_ Didn't she even notice that I'm doing a dog?' _he asked himself. Just then, Denbu came into the lawn. She was holding a slip of paper, that came from Shikon no Tama High School.

"Give me that," screeched Kikyou softly, if that is possible.

_Dear Mrs. Mashin,_

_With deepest regrets I have to inform you that your daughter, Denbu, tried to rape her gym teacher. We have to take action, and the only thing to do it to suspend Denbu until her lesbian streak has ended. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to come in and talk to me._

_Yours truly_

_Taisho Kagome,_

_Principal,_

_Shikon no Tama Girls School._

After reading the letter, Kikyou stepped away from her daughter.

"O gosh! Disgusting mother! That would be incest!"


	2. Chapter 2

-1A/N: the hariboette did an excellent job on chapter 1. But now it is time for thetorstir to bang up something naughtie. Teehee.

As Saseko took hold of Freddie, an unsuspecting young girl skipped along, not knowing of the sexualities to come. This girl was named Torinyou. She entered Dorragu Kouhi Lane to meet with her true love Sesshomaru. Little did she know there were many other problems…

"Sesshomaru!" Torinyou called out eagerly. "Sesshomaru!"

Instead of her dream guy Sesshomaru answering her call she looked down to find a sixteen-year-old fiercely humping her leg. "GAH!" She swung her leg about and tried shaking the girl off. "You could've at least introduced yourself before you had begun humping me!"

The girl stopped and stood and saluted Torinyou. "Sorry miss. My name is Denbu. I have been suspended from school because I attempted raping my gym teacher."

"Why Denbu…" Torinyou sighed. "Isn't that a lovely name? Doesn't it mean buttocks." Torinyou circled around Denbu, eyeing her up and down. "And now I see why. You do have a rather nice bottom."

Denbu giggled. "Oh stop it you you're making me blush!"

Torinyou finally introduced herself; "How rude of me… My name is Torinyou. It means Bird Pee."

CRICKET CHIRPS

When Denbu didn't reply to this Torinyou cleared her throat and asked, "Do you happen to know Sesshomaru?"

Denbu ran away giggling. "I HUMPED BIRD PEE! EWWW!"

Torinyou shrugged. "I guess that means no." She skipped along farther into Dorragu Kouhi Lane, in search of her lovely. She burst out into song;

"Sesshomaru is hot!

But you are not!

He is my rock!

Hard like a sock!

Makes me scream.

We're a team.

Sesshomaru is hot!

But you are not!


	3. Chapter 3

-1A/N.Hey this is the Hariboette now,writing chapter 3.This 1 will be longer.thetorstir did a GREAT job on writing chapter 2.This chapter is dedicated to my best friend, Lucy.

Haieki Higurashi walked down the side walk in Dorragu Kouhi Lane. She was going to meet her husband, who had uprooted the family from Tokyo, at their new house. Just when she was starting her so called "sexy" stride, her ten inch heels got caught in a drain pipe, which then went into the sewers. In less than 1 second, her horse like face connected with the hardness of the side walk.While she was struggling to get up, she saw a young woman singing a song in a very high pitched voice.Haieki blocked her ears from the pain.

The karoke star walked over to Haieki. "Hello, my name is Torinyou.Do you need some help?"

"No thank you.I'm going just fine here," Haieki said sarcastically.

Torinyou pranced away,calling a name that sounded faintly like "Sesshoumaru!". All of a sudden, Haieki felt a large weight fall onto her back. She thought it was Souta, who liked to do this to her when they where in private.

"Ahhh!Souta! We are in public. We can't do this here!"

"Souta?Who's Souta?" asked a female voice.

"What?" Haieki swivelled around, only to find a teenage girl feeling her buttocks. Haieki fainted, and her nose got caught in the hole of the drain pipe.

"Haieki, my love.Are you ok?Can you hear me?" said a deep male voice.

"Souta. O Souta! A teenager tried to rape me outside when my heel was caught in the drain pipe!" she cried in a strangled voice, yet, if you listened closly, you could hear the pleasure in it.

"Don't worry about that, Mr.Higurashi, it must be because of the fall that she is imaging these things," a doctor named Inuyasha said.

"What? You don't believe me? How could you not? When did I ever lie to you?"

"Well, when you told me that you used to be a playboy bunny, but you were not. I am still dissapointed now," said Souta gravely.

Denbu kneeled close to Haieki's bed, and winked at her seductively. Yet again, Haieki fainted, then went into a deep sleep, and dreamed about lemons.

With Torinyou

Torinyou walked over to her house, and found Sesshoumaru waxing his eyebrows in the bathroom. He was wearing nothing, except a pair of boxers. Torinyou felt the bird demon blood inside her sizzle and boil, and she found herself having very great images of herself and Sesshoumaru testing out how bouncy their new bed was.

"Not now, Torinyou. I have a underwear modeling session in 10 minutes, and I'm just afraid that that is not enough time. Maybe tonight. How about I buy us some whipped cream and strawberries? Do you remember the fun that we had with them?" said Sesshoumaru in a voice that held no emotion, but his face was a different story. His eyes twinkled and his face read "MISCHIEF".

"O yes, my sexy little dog.I do remember. I will be waiting..."


	4. Chapter 4

-1A/N: It's been a while, but datorstir is ready to write chapter 4! O LEMONS! Warning; I am a lemon demon! P In dedication to Kayla.

"O yes my sexy little dog. I do remember. I will be waiting…"

OH! SCREW IT! That had been ages ago and Torinyou was getting very … eager shall we say? She bounced up and down the fluffy furry bed, rolling around -back and forth. She was driving herself crazy, longing for her dear Sesshomaru.

"He's been gone an awfully long time…" Torinyou pouted, as she began to eat the strawberries and whipped cream herself. "Stupid underwear modelling session!" That was why he had been gone so long.. WAIT! Wasn't it…?

A/N: Just a moment.. I gotta go back and read Chapter 3. Hmm.. "so called "sexy" stride, her ten inch heels" nope that wasn't it.. How about.. "We are in public. We can't do this here!" No that wasn't it either.. OH! Here we go.. D "Torinyou walked over to her house, and found Sesshoumaru waxing his eyebrows in the bathroom. He was wearing nothing, except a pair of boxers. Torinyou felt the bird demon blood inside her sizzle and boil, and she found herself having very great images of herself and Sesshoumaru testing out how bouncy their new bed was.

"Not now, Torinyou. I have a underwear modeling session in 10 minutes, and I'm just afraid that that is not enough time. Maybe tonight. How about I buy us some whipped cream and strawberries? Do you remember the fun that we had with them?" said Sesshoumaru in a voice that held no emotion, but his face was a different story. His eyes twinkled and his face read "MISCHIEF"." OK yah it was the underwear modelling session.. P Sorry bout that huge interruption. INTERRUPTING COW SAYS; MOOOOO! Oki I had my fun SO ANYWAYS on with the story..

Just when Torinyou was positive she was going to go insane she heard footsteps outside the door.

"OH SESSHOMARU! WASTE NO TIME ON GETTING OVER HER UNDRESSED!" she cried out with glee.

The door swung open. Torinyou jumped up her lacy knickers and lingerie with excitement. "Man o man I thought I was going to dry up down there!" she exclaimed without noticing that at the door stood…

"WHAT? SESSHOMARU! WHY IS THAT CHILD HUMPING YOU CONTINUOUSLY!"

A/N: OK OK I know what you're thinking… I should shut up and get on with this chapter but in case you don't remember… from chapter one… yes I have a point ok I quote; ""SASEKO!WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO FREDDIE?" she screeched extra loudly.

"I'm doing what I learnt in sex ed, mother," he replied calmly.

"Well, didn't your teacher tell you to use a condom?"

Saseko mentally laughed to himself. '_ Didn't she even notice that I'm doing a dog?' _he asked himself." Well, then does anyone here know that Sesshomaru is a dog demon? P OH MY! P

Sesshomaru did not seem to mind the child's company.

Torinyou looked at him accusingly. "SESSHOMARU! Why.. It almost seems that you enjoy it…"

Sesshomaru grinned. "What can I say, the kid likes dogs?"

"WELL SO DO I!" and that was that. Torinyou wasted no time making her way over to Sesshomaru's side. She looked fiercely at the child. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF GIRLS AND BOYS HUMPING ME AND MY HOTDOG!"

The boy got off of Sesshomaru, much to his obvious disappointment. The boy spoke, "My name is… Saseko."

Saseko's head hung low.

A/N: AND BEFORE YOU ASK I MEANT THE HEAD ON HIM NOT HIS MINI HIM!

Saseko's head hung low as he walked out the door.

"WAIT!" Torinyou called out. She had a peaceful sparkle in her eyes. She smiled warmly. Then; "You forgot to zip up your fly.. Beyotch!" She snapped, laughed, and slammed the door.

She grabbed Sesshomaru and pulled him close. "Now where were we…?" She grinned mischievously.

A/N: OK I'm sorry I keep interrupting.. But this part ain't PG or nothing so just warning you! O

Sesshomaru and Torinyou held hands and danced in circles singing; "I love you. You love me. We're one happy family…"

A/N: See! I warned ya! It ain't PG! It's G! Ohz Myz!


	5. Chapter 5

-1A/n. It's Hariboette here!Writing chapter 5! Because I'm an idiot I've decided that I'm going to dedicate all of my chapters to someone. So, this chapter is dedicated to Kris, my funny yet sexual friend.

Denbu woke up early on Monday morning. She had hardly slept at all last night. Denbu had been anticipating gym class,and she couldn't get to sleep because of Torinyou's and Sesshoumaru's late night rendevous.

She walked out of her room and went into the kitchen to get some breakfast. Because Denbu had no sense of personal hygiene, she didn't take a shower.

Denbu's P.O.V

It's time to go to gym now! Wow I can't wait to see all those girls. Wait, is that my mom in the principal's office? Talking to two new students? Wow the girl is pretty fine if you ask me. Ok its not my mom talking, it's actually the principal! I knock on the door quietly.

"Hello Principal! Are they new students?" I asked eagerly, wanting to know about the hot chick standing before me.

" Yes, Denbu they are. Please meet Britney and Kris. They are brother and sister from Canada." Kris looked bored and took a new edition of the Playboy magazine. I knew that it was a new edition because I had just bought it today.Britney took out a box of cookies and offered me one. I declined, looking at her buttocks instead. She playfully laughed at me, and then winked.

"What grade are you in, Denbu?" she asked.

"I'm in grade 10 and I hope you are too."

"Ok stop talking kinky please Britney, I am straight you know," said Kris boringly.

I ignored his comment and continued to talk to the hot angel. "Do you have gym right now?Because if you wanted to I could _show _you around, if you know what I mean."

Britney giggled and nodded.

end of Denbu's P.O.V, now Kikyou's P.O.V

I was walking around the grocery store, when I heard loud laughing coming from behind the stack of potatoes.I thought it was just my imagination, but then I saw the new woman, Haieki, and Torinyou shaking with laughter.

"Who's going to put the carrot on the ground?"

"I think I will."

"O hello there Kikyou! My name is Haieki Higurashi! I've heard _so _much about you!" Torinyou snickered rather loudly.

"Ahem. Torinyou, please stop acting like such an immature child. Even Saseko acts more maturely than you do." In my head I congratulated myself.

"Humping dogs is mature! Well I really didn't know that.It was nice speaking to you, Kikyou. Now run along and go find that pregnancy test you were looking for."

I was about to respond,but then, I flew into a big pile of potatoes.

"SCORE!"

Sesshoumaru's P.O.V

Sigh. Yet another photo shoot with me in my underwear. Well, i suppose that I truly am that sex god Torinyou always tells me I am. Last night we had so much fun. Watching Barney while playing "peekaboo". Tonight Inuyasha and his family are coming over and Torinyou is cooking. The last time she cooked all her guests came down with food poisoning.

Two hours later

After five bottles of wine were finished, Sesshoumaru, Torinyou, Kagome, and Inuyasha decided to play spin the bottle. Little did they know that Denbu was sitting in the large oak tree in the yard, staring at them with her new found friend.


	6. Chapter 6

-1A/N: Well, well.. It's the torstir and it looks like the hariobette did a bang up job on the last chapter. Haha. She left me with lots of things to think about… Hope some people could catch onto the potato/carrot/SCORE part cause that was HEE-larious. And as fer dedications; I dedicate this chapter to… myself I guess. Haha.

They were already bickering.. Torinyou wasn't sure she could take much more of it. Yeah, Kagome looked pretty angry too. "Not again," Torinyou muttered to herself.

"ITS MY NAIL POLISH!" Sesshomaru shrieked.

InuYasha hollered back, "BUT IT'S FLAME RED! IT SUITS ME MORE!"

Back to fighting. Again. Kagome and Torinyou were getting tired of it…

They had just started playing Spin the Bottle when Sesshomaru realized it was a bottle of nail polish. And InuYasha had brought it over. Yet again; InuYasha had taken away something that Sesshomaru wanted. First it was _Tetsusaiga_, then it was Kagome ( He looked at her up and down for a moment then glanced at Torinyou, and now it was his nail polish! But InuYasha claimed the nail polish was meant for him and not Sesshomaru.

Think them stupid for fighting over Nail Polish.. But it wasn't just any nail polish… It was Flaming Crimson Red Nail Polish - only found in your local dollar store! …Okayy, so it was stupid, but InuYasha made it into such a big deal when saying;

"The Flames of this Nail Polish glow for me, Sesshomaru! They burn a bright red just like that of my fire rat! And all they do for you is match the colour of your half cut off carrot that bleeds eternally!"

A/N; If you still don't know what a carrot is code for by this point… you're probably too young to be reading this.

Torinyou didn't help either by saying… "And all he needs is half. Cause he's special." Then she coughed out, "Plus its already like six inches maybe!"

Outside, sitting inside a large oak tree, Denbu and Britney looked in with glee. "So which one do you fancy…?" Denbu asked Britney. Britney answered, "Well I don't know all the nail polishes lined up in there are pretty neat but that Flaming Crimson Red is pretty darned sweet." Denbu sighed, "Not exactly what I meant."

Meanwhile, Inside…

"OKAY THIS IS ENOUGH!" shrieked Kagome.

Torinyou nodded. "I agree completely." She paused. "ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS! BEST OUT OF THREE!"

Kagome fell over.

Each time Sesshomaru and InuYasha got the same thing. So after a while Sesshomaru spoke, "Why don't our women dual it out to decide?"

As Torinyou and Kagome got ready to play rock paper scissors InuYasha coughed, "I think what Sesshomaru meant by dual it out is wrestle." He grinned and looked at Sesshomaru, he grinned back.

Torinyou and Kagome glared at each other.

Outside, Denbu and Britney were jumping up and down, making the tree shake. "OK now which one do you like better!" Denbu shrieked with glee. "I still have to say the Flaming Crimson.. No wait, the Freezing Ice Blue looks kinda neat." Denbu sighed; "Not what I meant…"

Inside….

Kagome tackled Torinyou who pushed Kagome off her with her strong legs… Only so strong by running constantly, and TaeKwonDo. Kagome went to punch Torinyou, but with a swift Knife Block Torinyou avoiding it, she twisted Kagome's punching arm around and pulled Kagome to the ground and gave Kagome an elbow strike to the face.

"WAIT!" InuYasha cried, fearful for Kagome. "I said wrestle didn't I?"

Sesshomaru sat watching with glee. "Calm down InuYasha, this is fine." Although Kagome had the better bust and wore those mini skirts, this martial arts was definitely making Sesshomaru happy to know that he had Torinyou… not InuYasha.

Torinyou was about to break out into martial arts again when Denbu and Britney leap through the open window.

"Hey… since when did you not have a window Sesshomaru?" InuYasha asked.

"I was just wondering that…" Sesshomaru blinked.

"AHA!" Denbu laughed. "I am back dear Sesshomaru! And this time I've come to take what I want!"

Britney added, "THAT'S RIGHT! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR PRECIOUS NAIL POLISH!"

Denbu sighed; "That's not quite what I was talking about…"

A/N: not my best but mehh it's a chapter..


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